The World’s Greatest Cat
c. 1997 – April 28, 2014
The World’s Greatest Cat, formally known as Morpheus and always known to his Mother as “Boobie,” passed peacefully in his Mother’s arms the morning of April 28, 2014. He was alternately the most loving creature and the biggest asshole in the entire world. He was constantly jealous of everyone else in the household. In his mind, he was there first and should be his Mother’s only concern in life. He did exactly as he pleased at all times and was usually pretty belligerent about it. He was a constant conversationalist and his Mother loved the sound of his voice, even when he wouldn’t stop screaming at her. The World’s Greatest Cat enjoyed food related activities and naps. He disliked cats, dogs, most humans, squirrels and lizards. He didn’t enjoy birds either.
The World’s Greatest Cat was incarcerated at Leon County Animal Services in the Spring of 1999 for continued harassment of restaurant workers over their dumpster. The Leon County Humane Society brokered his release from death row and took him into foster care where he immediately attacked another foster cat who clearly deserved it. The other cat needed extensive veterinary care but recovered. Eventually.
The World’s Greatest Cat succeeded in acquiring permanent residence with his Mother at the PetSmart Adopt-a-thon on May 1, 1999, at 9:00 in the morning. He recognized a sucker when he saw one and put on a brilliant display of schmoozing and affectionate head butting. When the girl who was to be his new Mother announced she would like to adopt him, his flabbergasted foster parent/humane society volunteer asked, “Are you sure?” The World’s Greatest Cat then gave a brilliant display of charm that would continue to work on his Mother and every new female he encountered at every veterinary office for the duration of his life. As it turned out, he was exceptional at identifying a sucker.
When his Mother got The World’s Greatest Cat into her car, it became obvious that the wretched, gag-inducing stink in the adoption room was coming from him. Upon reaching the apartment they would call home together, she promptly Febreezed him. She had seen on a commercial that the SPCA stated it was safe for use around animals. As a brand new college graduate, she clearly did not understand the grammatical difference between “safe to use AROUND animals” and “safe to use ON animals.” He attacked her. She might have deserved it. He then curled up on the couch with her, head butting and purring and cuddling. She pet him lovingly and he relished in the attention. She violated the three pets only rule. He bit her. She deserved it.
His Mother learned she would have to alter her bedtime to thirty minutes earlier to accommodate his bedtime schmoozing ritual. She was excited he loved her so much but started to complain that she really wanted to go to sleep. He attacked her. She clearly deserved it. He sunk his teeth into her left wrist and dug all of his claws into her left forearm. He would not let go. She felt guilty for punching him in the head, but she feared bleeding to death and felt that screaming, “FUCKING A!!!” repeatedly was not enough to deter him. He immediately started schmoozing again. He would attack her many, many more times over the years. And they were happy.
Every morning of their lives together started with him trying to yank her hair out to wake her up, followed by head butts, cuddles, and purrs. And breakfast. Immediately. Each day ended with her carrying him to bed followed by cuddles and snuggles. The World’s Greatest Cat’s Mother loved him with all of her heart… and that sweet Boobie Cat loved her. True story.